tonight was easy

the nurse was right about the follistim pen. i pushed harder on the button-plunger, and it slowly clicked down. i was just too scared to put that much pressure on the thing while the needle was in my skin. 

i paid attention to the position of the needle before the shot, the pointy end of the slanted needle cuts the skin better, so i aimed that part.

no side effects. i feel like im in a perpetual state of pre-ovulation. i felt something going on with my ovaries several times today. it was like that feeling when your body releases the egg during ovulation - that sudden awareness of the egg getting released, not cramping, but movement in that area. 

these shots bled a lot.

i managed to do all 3 shots in 4 minutes. they're fast and i pre-primed them (i made sure there was a bead of medication at the tip of the needle) i prepared the menopur prior to recording. see previous post about how i did that. this time it went much more smoothly.

and yeah, you can see it

you can tell by watching that i wiggled the follistim pen around too much. i bet there'll be a bruise there tomorrow. theres a bruise on my belly where the follistim pen injection was yesterday. its cause i'm trying to twist down the plunger and i'm moving it too much. i contacted a nurse about that. they're going to get back to me.

the needles had 'issues' with breaking the skin. i think it might have to do with my slow entry and less than 90 degree angle. the sharp angle of the tip of the needle has a lot to do with the efficiency of the cut. i'm going to make sure i have the needle tip turned to the place it would most quickly break skin. like pointy tip in first. i hadn't paid any attention to that before.

this one is so bloody its almost comical. 

side effects to report -- aside from the physical reminders of multiple subcutaneous injections. there are a few red dots that are in the healing process. a couple small dime sized bruises at the injection sites.  my breasts haven't swollen to an uncomfortable size. they're kinda half sensitive. its not as bad as i thought it'd get.

and i do feel sexually neglected. this is the longest i think i've been abstinent with my husband. we usually have a very healthy sex life. Its strange not to do "it" for so long. thats the only thing that would make me think i might not want to do this again. 

i value the intimacy i have in my relationship, and i have to temporarily sacrifice my sex life for what? my fascination with fertility technology? my desire to be part of this new high tech world of tissue transfer? my drive to experience a real life application of the TDNA technology it takes to even synthesize these hormones that i'm taking? my respect and sympathy for an infertile rich woman who wants a baby so bad, she'd accept somebody else's ovum to make it work? is it the potential to make one of the MOST WANTED CHILDREN in the world? how badly must you want a child to go through this process that the 'intended parents' are going through?

is it altruism? 8 or 10 grand? the fact that this process is so easy? this experience is definitely making me re-evaluate how much i appreciate my own healthy sex life and how much i value intimacy with my husband... however temporary the delay. i mean, its only like a couple months. that is about 62 days. *sigh*

overall, though, i feel good and energetic. we CAN still be intimate. we just have to regress to our pre-sexin' times of more creative sexual expressions. 

i've been doing a lot of research about anti-egg donation organizations. there are people who think paying egg donors for this process is exploitation. it really fascinates me that people would feel so strongly about the process - and not even have any obvious religious bias towards the whole thing. theres a lot of misinformation at the core of these anti-egg donation people's philosophies, and thats that 'egg donors are not informed of all the risks involved' and therefor 'unable to make informed consent'

  i signed 3 legal forms disclosing every worst case scenario. i'm going to have to give routine blood tests and ultrasounds to make sure i'm doing okay and things are going as planned. 

they even go as far as to take out an insurance policy in my name in case of any complications with the process. the policy covers problems that might come up after the extraction. I signed up with 3 different agencies before getting chosen by an infertile couple. and each one disclosed the same risks that i hear about all over the internet and elsewhere. 

the funny thing i learned looking into anti-egg donation people's sites, though, was some crazy woman who donated like 11 times (which i hear most places wont let you) she wrote a book called 'confessions of a serial egg donor' i kind of want to hear what happened to her. 

tonights shots

hurt a little. i think its cause my belly is still sore from yesterday's shots. i think i'll do the lupron in the leg from now on. 3 shots in the same place every night is a bad idea. my belly feels strange. like theres foreign pockets of liquid under my skin -- oh wait, there ARE foreign pockets of liquid under my skin!! it all makes sense now.

i've been watching videos on youtube with the follistim pen injection, and they seem to go very smoothly. but i cant get my follistim pen to push down on the trigger like its supposed to, so i have to twist the button down until it stops clicking - instead of pushing the button down until it stops clicking. its like it needs to be oiled or something.

and it kinda hurts when i do that. its not so much the stabbing myself with a needle that hurts as it is accidentally wiggling the needle around in my skin that hurts. its difficult to hold the needle still while pushing in the meds. i'll get better at it. but what the hell?? not fair that i get a crappy follistim pen.  

the lupron was fine. no big thing 10 units - tiny. the follistim was 125 units, and the menopur 75.

i tried to record with the photobooth program, all the shots. but it only recorded for 4 minutes, so i got to show you how to prepare the menopur. menopur is a powder that you have to mix with a liquid before injecting. theres a tool called a 'q cap' that allows you to pull the liquid into the syringe and put it into the vial with the powder, mix in the vial, and suck it back up into the syringe to inject. 

thats what i'm doing here. i intended to show you how to do the other injections, sorry it didn't work out. i'll start recording tomorrow with the lupron and follistim pen.

Note: i call it "monopur" a couple times. thats me being stupid. its Menopur.

i also found this rad commercial for menopur! its in another language, and they have different tools to get the liquid into the menopur powder vial, but its the same process. though, this woman was prescribed 3 vials. she does everything really slowly, like she's on downers or something. and watching her give the shot so slowly looks really painful. its way better to jab it into the skin much faster than she does. but still, its so optimistic. notice how the color in the background changes after she gives herself the shot. and she starts smiling. and the music is really funny. i just had to share this find.

its the next day

since my menopur and follistim injections.

I can already feel my breasts begin to swell. they're gonna get sensitive and swollen again, i know it. its okay, i dont mind the enhancement. i just really like sleeping on my stomach :(

no other side effects. i'm tired. but i slept from midnight to noon and ran out of the house without eating breakfast. so i think that's to blame. i'm gonna pig out now.

all the crazy shots all at once!

I got the 'go ahead' from the nurse after my estradiol level check and FDA blood work. so tonight i injected for the first time: lupron 10, follistim 125, and menopur 75. 

although the follistim injection had the most medication, i liked it the best because the needle is hidden in a pen thing, so you cant actually see how much medication you are putting inside yourself. that part really really tripped me out with the menopur. 

and yes i recorded myself again. i hope i dont normally look like that when i talk, cause i make some goofy expressions! i'll blame those on stage fright. 

so here's attempt 1

and then after fumbling with my paper instructions and rereading the menopur part and contemplating calling the fertility doctor to ask him if that really was the amount i needed to inject, and then deciding i was being a big wuss - i continued and injected the three. 

i did a couple things wrong with this injection: 

i didn't pinch the fat - which risks putting the medication too deep. 

i didn't look for a prime droplet at the tip of the needle - which risks injecting an air bubble.

other than that, i think i looked goofy as hell. so you dont get to see it. ha ha.

i'll show it when i do everything right. like tomorrow night. i promise

side effects for these drugs includes stomach aches, pelvic pain, etc. it has been a few hours since the injection and i feel perfectly normal.

got my blood work done today

they ran the estradiol level check, and did some more STD tests or 'FDA blood work' as they called it. it was really hot in L.A. today.

the shot hurt this time. and a little of the lupron liquid looked like it came out with a drop of blood. i should have cooled off my skin first. i think that helps.  i did it really fast and squeezed the plunger fast. i dont think that was a good idea. i'm gonna start pushing the plunger slowly again. bla bla bla

belly shot this time

all the youtube videos i found with donors giving themselves shots, are in the belly. that kinda freaked me out, so i had to experience it myself. the nurse told me i could do it in my belly or thigh. i just chose thigh naturally cause theres more tissue to work with and more surface area to chose from.

 i'm not sure if it hurt more or less or not, cause i didn't puncture the skin like i was supposed to. when you watch you will see how slowly the needle went in. the skin is softer on the stomach, and it did hurt more than usual. but i cant compare this shot to the others i did in my thigh. I'll try it again tomorrow and do it quicker. 

i had slight headaches today. and my pee smells bad lately. i dont know if those things are lupron related or not. otherwise i feel fine.

it was rainy this afternoon, I got drenched biking home from work. soaked to the core.

so when i went to do my shot, before my shower, my skin was cold. and when the needle went in i didn't feel anything. and it occurred to me that, hey, i could ice the skin before cleaning with alcohol to numb the skin for the bigger needles later on in the cycle. i wasn't even that cold.  and it really changed the sensation. good to know. 

side effects: some nausea today. random unprovoked nausea. it was icky. it went away quickly after a few deep breaths. my appetite felt more normal today. still lots of energy. my bowel movements aren't normal. they've been changing density all week from thick to thin. i blame the lupron, cause i haven't changed my diet. its easy to blame the lupron. 

lupron shot

i was watching somebody else's video on how to do a lupron shot, and they let the alcohol dry on their skin before giving themselves the shot. they said its so it doesn't sting going in.

so i did that this time, and it was like the good ol days of itch free shots. it was the alcohol on the skin that irritated my skin more than the needle. i think the wet alcohol on the skin got into the shot hole and made it bleed more also.

this time: after waiting until after i knew it was completely dry, i loaded the needle and i jabbed at the skin quickly poking through. didn't hurt more than a flea bite. shot the lupron cold. held the needle in the skin for 5 long seconds after deploying payload. pulled it out quickly. i thought it would be bloodless, nothing showed up for a while. then a slowly growing dot of blood expanded to the size of a neighboring freckle. no itch, no bump, just a strange sensation that theres something under my skin.

i still feel very energetic. I started my period last night. it was kinda thick and weak. the nurse says that unless i'm at "full flow" they'll still need to do the estradiol level FDA blood work. I'm glad because i want to go up to L.A. my best buds live up there. 

forgot to mention

i received my first check in the mail. they processed it after i began taking the medications. 

its for $750.

they break the $8000 up into a few checks throughout the cycle.

end of 1st week on lupron

the past few days i've felt really energetic. giggly silly energetic. the kind that makes my husband roll his eyes and dart embarrassed glances at me. maybe the testosterone surge is over.

i recorded todays shot with my laptop's photo booth program. it has a video capture mode. you can watch this short clip at "http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lO0QjUFL754"

see if that worked. if not, watch it on the youtube page.

that shot was cold lupron. i didn't let it warm up. its an itchy red bump again, just like yesterday. it goes away soon enough... but damn. i wonder if my skin is just getting more sensitive to the shots? i've only stuck myself 7 times. what happened to the good 'ol days with pain-free itch-free blood-free shots? was i doing it differently? i think i pushed the plunger in quicker the first few times.  maybe i'll try that tomorrow.

as for any side effects... not really. i feel mostly normal today. i feel good and really energetic. i'm not as hungry as i usually am.

i'm really excited to be part of this egg donation process. just the idea that they're going to take my eggs out of my body, fertilize them, put them into another woman's uterus, and finally when the baby comes out, give it to the infertile couple? its frickin amazing! and the fact that out of all the donors on the database, they chose me. makes me feel kinda warm and fuzzy inside. 

in 18 years i hope the kid tries to find me. that would be pretty cool to meet and share life stories. I told them that they could have any of my contact information at any time. all they had to do was go to the agency to find me. they dont want to know at this stage. but someday if they ever do, they'll be able to know. I think its kind of the kid's birthright to know where his X genes came from. because of that, I wouldn't feel right donating anonymously. 

and in the future, out of curiosity's sake, i think it'd be neat to see pictures of their child, to see how my genes would express. Genetics and Biology fascinate me. 

i'm weird like that. i'm actually look forward to giving myself the shots.

 my first ultrasound was at the fertility doctor's office. ultrasounds are crazy! you can see your uterus and fallopian tubes and ovum and all the meaty tissues in between. the doctor counted my follicles in my ovaries. i wonder what the screen would look like if i put the ultrasound machine in my mouth? i'd see my esophagus and the surrounding bones probably. i wonder if they'd let me play with that thing? probably not.

wow, is this really shot 6?

last night's shot location got a little pink and puffed up a bit like a mosquito bite. i didn't scratch it, and it went away in an hour or so.

today's shot kinda itched, but didn't swell up.

the past couple shots i've been taking the vial of lupron out of the fridge and warming it in my hands for a couple minutes before giving myself the medication. i wonder if thats why it itches? tomorrow i'll shoot it cold like i did the first few days. 

something else i noticed, too, was that when i put the syringe into the bottle to pull up some lupron, every time i push or pull from that bottle, i'm adjusting a pressure in that bottle. the rubber cap is very strong and only a needle can push through, so the pressure doesn't get to escape unless i let it.  The nurse told me to pull the plunger back before inserting the needle into the vial of lupron. Once the tip of the needle is inside, then push the air back into the vial as far as the plunger will go. Then take out the dosage needed. So i had been doing that. Pulling the plunger back all the way, and pushing that much air into the vial. but last night and tonight, when i  had the vial upside down to fill the syringe with the proper amount of medication, i pulled the needle out of the vial while it was still upside down, and a tiny bit of lupron shot out at me from the rubber seal top! the pressure had built up so much in there that it was able to project out the liquid. not much came out, but now i realize that pushing an entire plunger-full of air into the vial when i'm only pulling out 15 units, is a bad idea. 

tomorrow i'm only pulling the plunger back to the 15 and pushing 15 units of air into the vial to replace the medication i'll pull out. or even not put any air in there. i dont know what the pressure in there is, but i bet its higher than it should be. 

I should really call this the TMI (too much information) Blog. i think i'll make that a subhead.

what else... side effects? maybe? 

speaking of TMI, i've noticed that my sexual arousal level has gone down. but then when stimulated, the sensations i feel are different. instead of the pleasure concentrating on the place of the stimulation, i feel it in the entire vulva. And its really intense. thats not normal for me. I'm not complaining. but then again, i'm currently abstinent by contract, not by choice. so i kinda AM complaining. i wonder if that sexual reaction will stay when i'm not on crazy egg donation drugs? i hope so.

Since i stopped taking the femcon fe birth control pills on the 29th i'm supposed to have my period by friday. they say i may or may not, but if i do, i wont have to get my estradiol levels checked at the doctor's office on the 6th.